Cancer and uncertainty are a bad combination.

I had my surgery in the summer of 2012. That means that every summer for my “anniversary” I have a CT as part of my annual follow up. So far, that hasn’t meant much more than once a year I have one extra drive to the hospital and some less-than-appetizing stuff to drink prior to a quick scan. The scans have come back normal, and life has continued.

This year, things went a little differently.

In July, I had my CT scan as usual, and a couple of weeks later I had my appointment with my oncologist. My bloodwork all looked normal, but the radiologist who’d reviewed my CT had noticed something that looked off with my liver.

Talking through it with my oncologist, they agreed that the problem area on the scan was probably an area of regeneration: my liver continuing to recover from the effects of the oxaliplatin. However, they wanted to have me get an MRI in three months. The MRI would allow things to be viewed with higher clarity, and the time would allow for comparison against current size.

Enter the first round of waiting and wondering. You try really hard to let the “it’s probably nothing” angel on your shoulder win out over the “what if it is something” devil whispering in your other ear. I’ll confess that I’ve largely been able to keep a positive, non-worrying attitude as time’s passed, but there are moments of mild unease.

So, along comes November and I get an MRI. At my oncologist’s office the following week, I’m informed that more areas on my liver “lit up” with the MRI. The hypothesis is still that these are areas of regeneration and healing, but given my history, a biopsy to be sure is probably the best course of action. Another appointment is made, and I’m scheduled for a liver biopsy in early December.

They first do an ultrasound to make sure that they can see what they need to biopsy. This time around, they couldn’t. The spots were too small and too inconveniently positioned for them to be able to be sure they were biopsying the right spot. So I was sent home without having a need puncture my side.

Now we’re down to fewer options. They could go in surgically, look around, and take a biopsy, but given my history and what this likely is, that seems like overkill. So, after speaking with my oncologist again, we agree to do another MRI in January to see whether or not the spots have changed at all. If they haven’t, then it’s a good indication that indeed, these are areas of regeneration and there’s truly nothing to worry about.

This isn’t a huge deal. However, consider the fact that I went for my annual follow up in July. It’s now almost January and I still don’t have a solid, clear answer of what’s going on. Not that I want it to be serious, but at least when I needed surgery, there was conclusive evidence to go on.